Kindred Spirit Lodge Presents

The Arrival of Astral Projector

by Astral (Oisin)
Added; Oct. 2007


Oisin was in the common room, boots on a table, tea stone cold beside her, newspaper folded across her face, snoring softly.


She jerked out of her light slumber. What was that?


Yes, definitely a distant ‘eeeee’ sound.


And getting closer all the time? What was it? It reminded her of something, something from before….but what? A huge insect? A falling tree?

Out in the stables Porky’s sensitive ears picked up the high pitched incoming whine and they immediately flattened. “Oh bum.” She thought. “Now there’ll be trouble.” And dipped deeper into her nosebag.

“If I didn’t now better I say that was a human….sort of…squeal? Like the sound of someone falling a huge, huge distance…” Oisin looked about frowning and feeling nervous. The air was tight on her skin and crackled in her ears, her hair prickled and lifted on the back of her neck, this only ever happened when there was magic about. Oisin hated magic, and with good reason.


The almighty crash had Oisin staggering in confusion she expected the ceiling to come in around her at any moment. The chaise lounge opposite her exploded into a thousand little pieces instantly becoming a chaise-no-lounger, and there, among the debris lay her arch-nemesis, the bane of a past and almost forgotten life. There, in splintered mahogany, rent velveteen and total disarray sprawled Astral Projector…bitch!


Astral dragged herself up out of her sprawl and quickly re-arranged her apprentice wizard robes over her knees. Roughly dragging her fingers through her nape length jet black hair she glared fixedly at Oisin who in turn shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, it wasn’t her fault the silly mare couldn’t control her landings. And Astral was always bad news for Oisin; in fact she delighted in being bad news for Oisin.

What's brought her here to the Lodge? the Bard wondered glumly.

Finally standing ramrod straight at her full 5’2” Astral narrowed her crystal grey eyes pinning down her shifty quarry.

“At last!” she hissed in anger, “I have been following you and the trail of havoc you leave behind across at least three continents.”

“Why?” responded Oisin equally angry, “Why are you stalking me, all be it very slowly. Leave me alone I’m in exile!”

“You are not in exile! You just buggered off to have a good time and a big huff! Your big sister Lord Embarr wants you back to preside over the annual Pigfest.” She announced with a wicked gleam in her eye.

“Noooooo!” cried Oisin she hated the annual pig cull for the winter salting It was noisy and messy and smelly and made her sick to her stomach. “I can’t do it, I’m allergic to pig.”

“What’s that you’re wearing?” Astral indicated O’s tattered breeches disdainfully.

Oisin looked down, crestfallen that her wonderful new luxurious wardrobe had proven much too delicate for climbing over a mountain full of big murderous trolls with a hard-hearted Lady who broke you to smithereens the moment you did a total U turn and ruined all her plans…and all a force 10 blizzard! How Oisin wished she had read the instructions label before she bought!

“I’ll have you know this is the finest chinchilla...and rags are all the rage this season.”

Astral just snorted. “Chinchilla is a type of pig.” She announced dismissively.

“It never is!” Oisin howled in protest.

“Pig of the desert, that’s what they call it. Tasty too.”

Oisin mouth just opened and closed, no sound coming out.

Astral sniffed, “Seems you’re over your allergy, in which case…” she drew herself up to her full height again and bellowed regally… “As Emissary for Lord Embarr of Erin it is my sworn duty to deliver onto you Oisin Warrior Bard of Erin an epistle from you Sister and Lord stating that on this the tenth day of…oo’er…who’s that?”

Oisin looked over her shoulder to see who had caught Astrals eye. Several yards away The Stable Master was wandering by.


“Oh yes, most definitely.”

“Put yer wand back in yer pants! I mean that’s Rider, the Stable Master here at the Lodge.”

“Oh, indeed. And who’s she talking to now?”

Oisin looked again, “Shasa Jin.”

“Mmm, sounds like a cocktail. I could down one of those…” her eyes scanned Shasa from head to toe.

A door opened and the Captain strolled straight through, tipping a little Ahoy salute to all in general before exiting. Astral felt her loins turn to toffee…make that sticky toffee. “OMG,” she thought, “The oaf has hit pay dirt!” She had followed the blazing trail of Oisin’s buffoonery and licentiousness all the way to here…Babesville, right in the centre of Studmuffin County. To hell with the Pigfest, she needed a vacation! Right here, right now!

Oisin turned back to her a little surprised. “Have you a tab at the bar?”

Suddenly Astral was pushing past her, all thoughts of Emissarying abandoned for the moment. “Nevermind, you do now.”

“Bar wench,” she called, “A Sliver Bullet, extra olives.” She turned to O, “And what disgusting concoction are you swilling down these days.”

Oisin bristled and turned to the bar wench with dignity, “A tequila and butterscotch cordial with an extra worm please.” She announced grandly, both Astral and the wench shuddered.


Knocking back three martinis in a row and all on the Bards tab Oisin scowled as Astral ordered a fourth before turning to her.

“So, aren’t ya gonna introduce me to your friends.”

“I thought you had to get back for the Pigfest being an emissary and all that?”

“Nah, I got some leave coming to me. I think I’ll take a few weeks off and hang out here, and enjoy the scenery and all that…”

As she spoke Rider sauntered by on her way to retrieve her throwing knife now deeply embedded in a beam, and a moth, and a spider and somewhere under that a woodlouse. In fact some animal somewhere would upon Riders knife as the best kebab ever.

Astrals hungry eyes swallowed every leather clad twitching butt cheek muscle that slid by slow and sensuous as melted caramel poured on red hot cinnamon rolls... “Mmmm, so much soft sexy leather….” She murmured.

Oisin looked at her quizzically.

Ahem…mm...”Astral cleared her throat, “I mean it must be a major export for the region. Leather I mean... I need to take notes for my report back home…when I go home.”

“Yes, when is that?” O wanted to know, she actually wanted to hear the word ‘Yesterday’ or better still ‘Last week, oh is that my taxi now? Cheerio.’

“And if leather is the chief product of the area why are you wearing rat fur breeches?”

Oisin stuck her finger in the new rip courtesy of Riders last knife throw. “Girl at the shop recommended them.” She muttered.

Astral sniggered, “Yea, I know how you shop, the fuller the bosom the emptier your wallet.”

“They’re ruined now.” Oisin’s lower lip extruded.

“Thank the gods, they reek. When I saw that knife heading for you I thought the Pigfest had come early. You nearly got yourself a brand new A hole. So introduce me.”

Sighing Oisin could see there was finally no avoiding it. “Friends and fellow Lodgers,” she announced to the floorboards in general, “Let me introduce Astral Projector an old school ‘friend’, Emissary to my sister Lord Embarr, and apprentice to the High Wizard Fergus of Fingal.”

She got a sharp nudge in the back, “Sorry that’s Fingal of Fergus.” She finished glumly. Damn she thought, the bitch really is staying, poop!


The End - 'Astral's Arrival' - by Astral (Oisin)

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